Mr. Burns’ New Lineup

Revisiting "Homer at the Bat" thirty years later

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Thirty years ago, C. Montgomery Burns stacked his softball team with ringers. Burns enlisted de facto general manager Waylon Smithers to secure the services of Major Leaguers for the championship game against the Shelbyville Nuclear Power Plant.

This baseball-centric episode of The Simpsons, “Homer at the Bat,” earned the title character enshrinement in Cooperstown five years ago. It truly is a Hall of Fame episode.

A look back at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant’s title game roster shows how international the game has become over the past three decades. All nine players who became cartoon heroes in 1992 entered professional baseball via the MLB June Amateur Draft. In other words, no players who grew up outside of the U.S. were represented.

Hideo Nomo’s arrival at Dodger Stadium and the ensuing Nomomania were still a few years away. It was even longer before we’d meet Ichiro, Vladimir Guerrero, and Albert Pujols.

Jose Canseco was the only player on Mr. Burns’ roster born outside of the United States. But even Canseco, who was born in Cuba, went to high school in Miami.

Imagine a Springfield team today without Shohei Ohtani.

I started thinking about what Mr. Burns’ team might look like if the episode were made today. I analyzed the 1992 players. I spoke to some of you about it. I even spoke to one of Burns’ ringers about it.

When it comes to roster construction philosophy, one thing is very clear: Mr. Burns likes veterans. Ken Griffey Jr. was the only player in the lineup who could have been called “kid.” Then again, having a player who only recently reached the legal drinking age might have made him more susceptible to overdoing it on the Brain & Nerve Tonic.

Conversely, some players were nearing the end. We know that catcher Mike Scioscia’s bout of radiation poisoning took him out of the lineup for the big game against Shelbyville, but did it factor into 1992 also being Scioscia’s final season in 3-D? The two-time Dodgers All-Star posted his worst offensive season by far and never again appeared in a big league game.

It made me wonder how the rest of the team fared after their brief stint in Springfield.

As you can see, the addition of Griffey to the roster saved the entire bunch. He accumulated more in WAR and belted more home runs after the episode aired than the rest of his teammates combined. Maybe some of these guys were closer to beer league softball days than anyone realized at the time.

Burns looks to have extracted some of the very last moments of Darryl Strawberry’s productivity. In fact, one has to wonder how much being pinch hit for by Homer Simpson with the game on the line affected Strawberry’s psyche for the remainder of his career.

As for what happened with starting pitcher Roger Clemens, who won four of his seven Cy Young Awards after meeting with Mr. Burns’ hypnotist, well, that’s between the hypnotist and Roger.

2022 Roster

When writers from The Simpsons attempted to set their roster 30 years ago, there were some players who declined the invitation. Fortunately for us, neither lockouts nor logistics stand in our way.

And now for the starting lineup:

What better way for future Hall of Famer Yadier Molina to tie a bow on his career than as a member of the 2022 Springfield Nuclear Power Plant’s softball team? The Cardinals catcher has already announced that he intends to retire after the 2022 season*. He won the WTP Twitter vote to hold down the position, and he’s the right choice.

At first base, I think Mr. Burns would go with America’s First Baseman, Paul Goldschmidt. He proved last year that there’s still something left in the tank — if that even matters to Burns — and, unlike Freddie Freeman, he’s under contract so ongoing negotiations will not be a distraction.

I spoke recently to Steve Sax, who recorded for the show with then-teammate Don Mattingly during the 1991 season.

He considered a few names as potential replacements before deciding that Javier Baez would offer the best combination of on-field talent and animation upside.

Fernando Tatis Jr. has to be at shortstop for this team. His home run trot alone might be enough to finally do in Old Man Burns. Plus, maybe someone in Springfield has the right medicine for Tatis’ balky shoulder.

Kris Bryant is the glue guy that every dream team needs. Plus, he looks like he was born to be drawn for The Simpsons. Stick him at the hot corner!

In the outfield, we need young phenom Juan Soto. Besides, Soto plays for a team that didn’t exist during season three of The Simpsons. Of course, we might as well cancel this entire exercise if Shohei Ohtani isn’t a part of it.

This marks the point in the newsletter that Bryce Harper and Mookie Betts look at each other, knowing there’s not room for both of them. Well, we need someone who can patrol center. These kinds of team can be undone by the assumption that defense doesn’t matter.

Bad news for Bryce and Mookie! In the animated world, calf injuries heal quickly.

That’s why Mike Trout rounds out the lineup. Trout, by the way, was six-months-old when “Homer at the Bat” first aired.

While we’re healing soft tissue injuries with an animator’s pencil and eraser, Mr. Burns can hand the ball to starting pitcher Jacob deGrom. I can hear Burns already:

“You’re on two-days’ rest, deGrom. What am I paying you for? Remove that ice bag and get back out there!”

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